Midousuji Akira (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
discarding) wrote2021-05-13 08:55 am
discarding) wrote2021-05-13 08:55 am
Entry tags:
for gamanyeah
For months, Midousuji had pushed himself as hard as he could.
Physically, of course, but there were other limits to experiment with. Less comfortable, less familiar. Midousuji Akira has never been against doing whatever he has to to win, including fighting dirty—deploying sabotage, instigating physical harm, forcing himself beyond his own limits to the point of injury time and time again... but included, a stone unturned, was what Midousuji had considered to be unfathomable. The worst thing—the thing he scoffed at and mocked the most. Connections with other people. Deriving strength from them.
Funnily, the person who Midousuji would be, traditionally, most apt to ignore, had instead somehow became the one person he found he'd listen to—quietly, without acknowledgement, but it came to that none-the-less. Someone whose presence he could sense even when he was out cold, and sometimes, someone whose voice would leak around and into the crevices of his mind like sticky, honey-sweet and vile ichor in that same state.
Ishigaki told Midousuji what his weakness was, and initially, Midousuji could barely recall. And once it came around to him, turning in his brain, his blood boiled with anger—because Ishigaki—always there, persistent, whether Midousuji wanted it or liked it or not—not only because he trusted Ishigaki's word, but because his advice and criticism were from such a place of human standard that Midousuji couldn't relate to. Couldn't understand. Who could he rely on? For whom could he possibly find inspiration to pull? How was tying your strengths into the wills of other people, with emptier weight and less stake in the game, supposed to make you stronger?
But Midousuji, nonetheless, toiled towards this goal, and hated every second of it—it was like breaking his every bone by hand himself, and splinting, forcing them to regrow incorrectly. And through the entire process, his thoughts furiously turned, burning around Ishigaki. He hadn't even realized that Ishigaki, at that point, had been his most trusted resource; the source of what would be the deciding factor to his goal.
What he was relying on.
And, in turn, what gave him strength; Midousuji's eyes were wide, almost in disbelief when he'd not only passed the finish line in first on the third day of the 43rd, and, Midousuji's final, Interhigh. By his own merits, to no one's surprise, of course including Midousuji's, he'd taken a victory for Kyofushi in the first day, dominating the sprint course. Midousuji had always placed well. But with that missing piece finally in place, mind and body numb and buzzing, Midousuji had taken the final victory he'd so sought after. The victory that was his make or break—the piece to be taken and settled, to determine if he'd continue as pro, and to in turn, some day, work towards Tour de France.
It was true that Midousuji had struggled, with success, to put more trust in place of his team, still strictly trained and regimented as ever... but primarily, he'd been pulling because of Ishigaki. With his head stuffed to capacity with thoughts of him. Inadvertently, though it nauseated Midousuji to acknowledge it, Ishigaki had been the reason why he pulled, and had been the one who shaped Midousuji to his final form. The victor.
Kyoto Fushimi had talked amongst themselves about their surprise regarding Midousuji's reaction—the look of disbelief. And it did seem strange—Midousuji was confident, and self assured. But they misdiagnosed the nature of his surprise. It wasn't the victory itself, but more its reason.
And that reason was Ishigaki.
Once passed finish, Midousuji's arms fell heavily after his triumphant, ecstatic posing, his elbows bruising against the handlebars of his bike. In disbelief, his head hung, jaw slung slightly open, his lungs burning as he panted heavily through a dry, sore throat, watching as his sweat pelt his shaking arms. He was spent—empty, totally drained, as always, since he always pushed himself to or past his limits... but there was something else present that day.
Midousuji felt he could barely walk, though it was more than exhaustion—he managed to get over his stupified shock with a snap of his teeth (after some time of his team wondering in hushed, worried mumbling if he was okay, having expected he'd be more excited for their win), all grins after that. And to his surprise, though he didn't want to belabor the fact, he was proud of them, too. Also a bit of an unusual feeling—but Midousuji was able to assuage his nerves about it, because evolution was the only way to ensure victory. This just wasn't a form he was used to. They were just feelings he'd never felt, before.
And that numbing, preoccupying buzzing in his head about Ishigaki didn't cease that night. Midousuji barely slept, staring off into the darkness aimlessly for hours, despite his exhaustion. It carried on that way for weeks, actually.
Here and there, days and nights, Midousuji had found himself distantly fussing about it. Ishigaki was in Tokyo, and he'd soon be graduating. He might have returned to Kyoto, at that point, and Midousuji felt queasy at the way the thought made his heart stutter and his stomach lurch, unable to recognize it as a sort of excitement inspired by hope. He just quantified it as what he could understand: a gross distraction. His instinct to things like that, given that they're 1) uncomfortable, and most unforgivably, 2) distracting, had always been to amputate them at their inception. Keep his heart cold and comfortable, but he knew now that wasn't beneficial to his growth.
Yes, evolution had gotten more of his attention and care as a goal than growth, and in this time frame after the 43rd Interhigh, Midousuji realized this. Emptily, distracted, Midousuji went through the motions of his graduation, of exams, and realized without that amputation, to rid himself of the preoccupation... there had to be some kind of action. With Ishigaki. His unexpected trump card, and unexpected resource of strength. The person who'd earned his respect. Midousuji had initially been dismissive of him, since he seemed so standard on the surface—someone beautiful to the point of being unremarkable, someone charming, sensitive, and all the rest of Midousuji that he holds in contempt as the antithesis to his own design.
But gradually, Midousuji realized other things—that no matter what, whether he likes it or not, Ishigaki can, and will, see Midousuji. And since his late mother, no one else ever has. Not only did Ishigaki see Midousuji, but he persisted in pursuit of Midousuji's benefit. Not only all of that nonsense, but Ishigaki was actually sharp. He was analytical, and Midousuji finally realized, at the end of the day, he couldn't argue with Ishigaki's logic; they both wanted the same thing, and they both, disturbingly, had similar versions of the same perspective.
Strangely, it's come to the point where Ishigaki just makes sense. Which is why Midousuji is currently in his fourth week of hissing through his teeth, smacking his head against walls, rubbing his dry palms excessively in speed and force across his face, screaming—whenever his mind works itself up into enough of a frenzy about it. About him. This is compounded by the gradually dawning realization that after all that realization, the occupying of his head...
If Ishigaki doesn't go pro, or if Ishigaki doesn't decide to stay in Kyoto, what reason is Midousuji really going to have to see him again? The real answer is that you can hit people up you like for any reason and hang out with them and that's acceptable and normal, but Midousuji is in such unfamiliar territory around that concept, and also so disgusted by himself for it, that this plain, basic social knowledge is completely out of his reach for consideration.
He's thought about it, of course—but he doesn't know how to broach it, much less what his own feelings around it even are. Even looking at Ishigaki's name in his contact list just sends him into a fit, so there's just simply no progress to be had there.
So... instead, not that Midousuji thinks it's a better idea to just... lurk around Tokyo, like some skittish ghoul deadset on haunting what he doesn't comprehend to be his object of boyish infatuation. Midousuji is clumsy, and more than simply standout—he's aware he has no scope of stealth. He's tall enough to stand out in a crowd, distinctly broad-shouldered, and with a face and expression so uniquely vacant and haunting that there's probably only one other person with the same features, being his genetic contributor who he's never met.
So Midousuji keeps distance, peering from behind walls or things like poles, trying to keep his posture low in a hunch where his height may be too conspicuous...
His intention was to meet up with Ishigaki by chance, having some vague idea of his usual haunts and habits from social media (of which Midousuji has vague, blank accounts, and no activity)... but then, having seen Ishigaki, confirming his brilliant, strategic thinking, Midousuji was immediately so overwhelmed by nerves and disgust that he couldn't just approach Ishigaki. He hadn't thought about how to pull it off as incidental. And honestly, having no idea of how to pull that off, Midousuji had thought he could just assertively approach him without such pretense...
...but all at once, just immediately, so uncharacteristically, every ounce of his nerve had left him.
Midousuji doesn't recognize himself, and it's Ishigaki's fault. Midousuji squints resentfully at the back of Ishigaki's head, tucked behind a phone pole semi-conspicuously, partially obscured with the addition of other visual clutter that can be expected on the busy streets of Tokyo, near Ishigaki's apartment. To which he's never been. But he knows the area, based onstalking observation.
How gross... So gradually, reaching inside of Midousuji, so subtly manipulating his insides that Midousuji didn't even notice, changing him... He feels a little angry about it, but knows he can't be ungrateful; he got what he wanted, which was victory.
So what else is it, then? What is he doing?? What exactly does he want?
Stupid Ishigaki.
"Groossssssss," he exhales slowly in a low, almost inaudible rasp.
Physically, of course, but there were other limits to experiment with. Less comfortable, less familiar. Midousuji Akira has never been against doing whatever he has to to win, including fighting dirty—deploying sabotage, instigating physical harm, forcing himself beyond his own limits to the point of injury time and time again... but included, a stone unturned, was what Midousuji had considered to be unfathomable. The worst thing—the thing he scoffed at and mocked the most. Connections with other people. Deriving strength from them.
Funnily, the person who Midousuji would be, traditionally, most apt to ignore, had instead somehow became the one person he found he'd listen to—quietly, without acknowledgement, but it came to that none-the-less. Someone whose presence he could sense even when he was out cold, and sometimes, someone whose voice would leak around and into the crevices of his mind like sticky, honey-sweet and vile ichor in that same state.
Ishigaki told Midousuji what his weakness was, and initially, Midousuji could barely recall. And once it came around to him, turning in his brain, his blood boiled with anger—because Ishigaki—always there, persistent, whether Midousuji wanted it or liked it or not—not only because he trusted Ishigaki's word, but because his advice and criticism were from such a place of human standard that Midousuji couldn't relate to. Couldn't understand. Who could he rely on? For whom could he possibly find inspiration to pull? How was tying your strengths into the wills of other people, with emptier weight and less stake in the game, supposed to make you stronger?
But Midousuji, nonetheless, toiled towards this goal, and hated every second of it—it was like breaking his every bone by hand himself, and splinting, forcing them to regrow incorrectly. And through the entire process, his thoughts furiously turned, burning around Ishigaki. He hadn't even realized that Ishigaki, at that point, had been his most trusted resource; the source of what would be the deciding factor to his goal.
What he was relying on.
And, in turn, what gave him strength; Midousuji's eyes were wide, almost in disbelief when he'd not only passed the finish line in first on the third day of the 43rd, and, Midousuji's final, Interhigh. By his own merits, to no one's surprise, of course including Midousuji's, he'd taken a victory for Kyofushi in the first day, dominating the sprint course. Midousuji had always placed well. But with that missing piece finally in place, mind and body numb and buzzing, Midousuji had taken the final victory he'd so sought after. The victory that was his make or break—the piece to be taken and settled, to determine if he'd continue as pro, and to in turn, some day, work towards Tour de France.
It was true that Midousuji had struggled, with success, to put more trust in place of his team, still strictly trained and regimented as ever... but primarily, he'd been pulling because of Ishigaki. With his head stuffed to capacity with thoughts of him. Inadvertently, though it nauseated Midousuji to acknowledge it, Ishigaki had been the reason why he pulled, and had been the one who shaped Midousuji to his final form. The victor.
Kyoto Fushimi had talked amongst themselves about their surprise regarding Midousuji's reaction—the look of disbelief. And it did seem strange—Midousuji was confident, and self assured. But they misdiagnosed the nature of his surprise. It wasn't the victory itself, but more its reason.
And that reason was Ishigaki.
Once passed finish, Midousuji's arms fell heavily after his triumphant, ecstatic posing, his elbows bruising against the handlebars of his bike. In disbelief, his head hung, jaw slung slightly open, his lungs burning as he panted heavily through a dry, sore throat, watching as his sweat pelt his shaking arms. He was spent—empty, totally drained, as always, since he always pushed himself to or past his limits... but there was something else present that day.
Midousuji felt he could barely walk, though it was more than exhaustion—he managed to get over his stupified shock with a snap of his teeth (after some time of his team wondering in hushed, worried mumbling if he was okay, having expected he'd be more excited for their win), all grins after that. And to his surprise, though he didn't want to belabor the fact, he was proud of them, too. Also a bit of an unusual feeling—but Midousuji was able to assuage his nerves about it, because evolution was the only way to ensure victory. This just wasn't a form he was used to. They were just feelings he'd never felt, before.
And that numbing, preoccupying buzzing in his head about Ishigaki didn't cease that night. Midousuji barely slept, staring off into the darkness aimlessly for hours, despite his exhaustion. It carried on that way for weeks, actually.
Here and there, days and nights, Midousuji had found himself distantly fussing about it. Ishigaki was in Tokyo, and he'd soon be graduating. He might have returned to Kyoto, at that point, and Midousuji felt queasy at the way the thought made his heart stutter and his stomach lurch, unable to recognize it as a sort of excitement inspired by hope. He just quantified it as what he could understand: a gross distraction. His instinct to things like that, given that they're 1) uncomfortable, and most unforgivably, 2) distracting, had always been to amputate them at their inception. Keep his heart cold and comfortable, but he knew now that wasn't beneficial to his growth.
Yes, evolution had gotten more of his attention and care as a goal than growth, and in this time frame after the 43rd Interhigh, Midousuji realized this. Emptily, distracted, Midousuji went through the motions of his graduation, of exams, and realized without that amputation, to rid himself of the preoccupation... there had to be some kind of action. With Ishigaki. His unexpected trump card, and unexpected resource of strength. The person who'd earned his respect. Midousuji had initially been dismissive of him, since he seemed so standard on the surface—someone beautiful to the point of being unremarkable, someone charming, sensitive, and all the rest of Midousuji that he holds in contempt as the antithesis to his own design.
But gradually, Midousuji realized other things—that no matter what, whether he likes it or not, Ishigaki can, and will, see Midousuji. And since his late mother, no one else ever has. Not only did Ishigaki see Midousuji, but he persisted in pursuit of Midousuji's benefit. Not only all of that nonsense, but Ishigaki was actually sharp. He was analytical, and Midousuji finally realized, at the end of the day, he couldn't argue with Ishigaki's logic; they both wanted the same thing, and they both, disturbingly, had similar versions of the same perspective.
Strangely, it's come to the point where Ishigaki just makes sense. Which is why Midousuji is currently in his fourth week of hissing through his teeth, smacking his head against walls, rubbing his dry palms excessively in speed and force across his face, screaming—whenever his mind works itself up into enough of a frenzy about it. About him. This is compounded by the gradually dawning realization that after all that realization, the occupying of his head...
If Ishigaki doesn't go pro, or if Ishigaki doesn't decide to stay in Kyoto, what reason is Midousuji really going to have to see him again? The real answer is that you can hit people up you like for any reason and hang out with them and that's acceptable and normal, but Midousuji is in such unfamiliar territory around that concept, and also so disgusted by himself for it, that this plain, basic social knowledge is completely out of his reach for consideration.
He's thought about it, of course—but he doesn't know how to broach it, much less what his own feelings around it even are. Even looking at Ishigaki's name in his contact list just sends him into a fit, so there's just simply no progress to be had there.
So... instead, not that Midousuji thinks it's a better idea to just... lurk around Tokyo, like some skittish ghoul deadset on haunting what he doesn't comprehend to be his object of boyish infatuation. Midousuji is clumsy, and more than simply standout—he's aware he has no scope of stealth. He's tall enough to stand out in a crowd, distinctly broad-shouldered, and with a face and expression so uniquely vacant and haunting that there's probably only one other person with the same features, being his genetic contributor who he's never met.
So Midousuji keeps distance, peering from behind walls or things like poles, trying to keep his posture low in a hunch where his height may be too conspicuous...
His intention was to meet up with Ishigaki by chance, having some vague idea of his usual haunts and habits from social media (of which Midousuji has vague, blank accounts, and no activity)... but then, having seen Ishigaki, confirming his brilliant, strategic thinking, Midousuji was immediately so overwhelmed by nerves and disgust that he couldn't just approach Ishigaki. He hadn't thought about how to pull it off as incidental. And honestly, having no idea of how to pull that off, Midousuji had thought he could just assertively approach him without such pretense...
...but all at once, just immediately, so uncharacteristically, every ounce of his nerve had left him.
Midousuji doesn't recognize himself, and it's Ishigaki's fault. Midousuji squints resentfully at the back of Ishigaki's head, tucked behind a phone pole semi-conspicuously, partially obscured with the addition of other visual clutter that can be expected on the busy streets of Tokyo, near Ishigaki's apartment. To which he's never been. But he knows the area, based on
How gross... So gradually, reaching inside of Midousuji, so subtly manipulating his insides that Midousuji didn't even notice, changing him... He feels a little angry about it, but knows he can't be ungrateful; he got what he wanted, which was victory.
So what else is it, then? What is he doing?? What exactly does he want?
Stupid Ishigaki.
"Groossssssss," he exhales slowly in a low, almost inaudible rasp.
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"That's not true." Ishigaki says a bit too quickly, dismissing Midousuji's question completely- the words coming out before he can process them.
Midousuji's phrasing was clear. It wasn't meant to be up for debate. With him these things- human things- take time, slowly, like chipping away at an iceberg Ishigaki can't seem to see the end of.
But if the two go at the pace of Ishigaki's patience, he's sure he'll never see how human Midousuji can and deserves to be.
Still, to disagree with Midousuji so bluntly, so personally-- it doesn't settle right with Ishigaki quiet yet, but the safety their distance provides plays a part in his boldness. His heart thumps strangely in his chest, and his fists grip tight in his lap.
"I mean. If that's not true, then..." Ishigaki clarifies, stumbling over his words. "Then what are we doing right now?"
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It’s true to Midousuji. And that’s why he doesn’t know how to answer Ishigaki’s question.
“I don’t know how to answer that, because I’m not liiiike you,” Midousuji drawls, squinting in a way that seems bitter, but truly, it’s introspective. It’s not like he isn’t trying to bridge—but it’s also true that he’s annoyed to feel prompted to do so.
“I don’t want to do things like that with other people. Racing, homework, whatever—companionship is not a component of my wants. Or needs.” It’s almost derisive—venomous. Almost, but it isn’t. And even with Midousuji’s progress, it’s still an idea he resents—sure, he realizes the merit of relying on people in a mutual capacity now. He can let himself be soft enough to experiment with leaning into others where they can answer his deficits—facets long since neglected, for so long convinced they were something he could overcome. Which he couldn’t, because, ironically, in that regard, he was like other people; people needed people. But Midousuji’s clarity isn’t even quite there, yet.
To answer Ishigaki’s question, however…
Midousuji swallows uncomfortably, feeling tension rolling through his tired muscles in a way that causes him to curl a bit further in. His fingernail presses a harsh crescent, white and sharp, against the side of his lower lip.
This is Ishigaki’s ask for a favor. Not Midousuji’s. Midousuji is doing this because he has an obligation beyond novelty and inspiration to Ishigaki; if Ishigaki taught him about how one can derive strength from relying on other people, isn’t it obvious that Midousuji should transactionally thus posture himself as someone worth relying on?
But, wow, imagine saying as much—even if he even knew how to articulate it, just like that.
“For meee… tedium is made stressful by the company of other people, because we aren’t the same. It’s more efficient to do everything by myself, and that’s easier; opposite of you. What you’re describing makes things harder for me. So… what we’re doing is… you made a request, and I’m fulfilling it. Like I said…” Midousuji’s heart is hammering again, and he’s annoyed. He’s aware he can be misinterpreted for all this, and that’s irritating—but what’s more irritating is the simultaneous clarity that he doesn’t know how to express himself, and if he did, he’d probably deliberately withhold on that expression. “…it’s not as if I mind.
“Is…”
Midousuji pauses, then rolls on his back, rolling his eyes anxiously into their upper corners. His knees are still lifted, despite the change of position, his other arm tensing all its muscles and cords stiff across his bony shins.
“…that…inconsistent to what you know about me? Is it…bad?”
no subject
But what?
Ishigaki's paper is non existent to him now, and the silence that fills the room feels unpleasantly loud. Ishigaki can't find the right words. His thoughts seem so ignorant- so simple- in comparison to Midousuji's words that he's sure to have already thought so much about.
What a lonely way of thinking, he judges, and he feels a ting of guilt in his chest for his self-centered point of view. But as Ishigaki looks back on their opposing life styles, with the weight Midousuji must carry trying to do everything himself, and with Ishigaki's life bursting with formed relationships, there's no positive way he can choose to view it. If not lonely, Midousuji surely must feel empty, shouldn't he?
In return to Midousuji's complex thinking, Ishigaki decides to reply simply in the end- sweat already forming on his palms before he speaks.
"I don't want to burden you with what I want, but I have to be honest. It's just... I want companionship. Friendship. Those sort of things... with you."
Ishigaki's hands are balled into fists planted tightly in his lap, and he's thankful Midousuji can't see his reddening expression. When confessed out loud, Ishigaki can't help but wonder if he shouldn't have asked Midousuji anything at all. But still, he continues to clarify, with his pulse drumming loudly in his ears.
"I know we're not the same. I don't think we have to be. It might be selfish, and I don't understand it myself, but I want you to feel those things too."
With the few moments passing between his words stretching out wide, Ishigaki hurriedly continues to fill the silence.
"Ah- um. Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm just talking about myself now, aren't I? I didn't mean to project..." Ishigaki stammers, with plenty of sheepishness in his voice. "Well, in any case, you're safe to exercise those things with me if you ever change your mind."
Ishigaki exhales heavily through his nose as if he hadn't taken a breath since he's spoken. Still, despite how simple words are, he feels lighter with his feelings aired out. He's surely said more personal, more 'gross' things, hadn't he? And so he takes comfort in the fact Midousuji won't run away from his exposure. Probably.
"And if you don't, then that's alright too. I like the way things are. I don't want to change you. But... I hope you'll consider me your friend, regardless."
no subject
This is stressful. It incites panic. So why doesn’t he just hang up? He doesn’t have a problem with the idea—or at least, not for the right reasons. He doesn’t care about Ishigaki’s feelings (he’s pretty sure); it’s more that he doesn’t want to stop talking to him. But he’s pretty sure he can’t take much more of any of that. His mind is a hot, uncomfortable buzz.
I want you to feel those things too.
Midousuji parses it slowly, and it loops in his head in a way that makes his skin crawl. But he thinks about it, too—thinks about the uncomfortable, nibbling feeling, warm and unbearable in his chest with Onoda’s stubborn and ceaseless kind gestures despite all of Midousuji’s cold, hostile rejections—the premiere UNIT2 keychain sits on his desk.
There’s Yuki, too—and the rest of his family. Kindness and acceptance (tenuous, in Midousuji’s opinion—they don’t really know him, less so than even Onoda) he’s been too numb to properly receive, even now. But at least he’s becoming aware of it.
“Gross…”
And, of course, Ishigaki. The asshole in question responsible for all these uncomfortable, burgeoning and awakening feelings. It’s overwhelming, and overstimulating… but like Ishigaki says, it’s basically exercise. He’s getting stronger, in some capacity, but there’s always the worry that this won’t shake out in Midousuji’s favor; he’s only taking a chance on it because there was evidence it can make him a better athlete, in some capacity. He hopes it wasn’t a fluke.
Midousuji swallows as he listens to Ishigaki breathe out his nose, inspiring that unbearable yearn to be physically close; over the phone, those things are more easily heard than in person. Unless, of course, that person were very close.
When Ishigaki says he doesn’t want to change Midousuji, a sudden stillness sweeps over him—though there’s still tension in his body, it diminishes somewhat, and Midousuji rolls onto his side again, hand curled by his face with its twin resting against his futon. He blinks at his phone in his little horizon across his bedding.
He’d never gotten that impression, he supposes—though he hasn’t been made to think about it before.
These are all things that Midousuji could say—things that would be useful for giving Ishigaki some clarity. But of course, Midousuji does not say them. He wouldn’t know how, anyway.
His gaze dips. Though he’s caught in a gross, tender spot (asshole Ishigaki), he’s still irritated. If Ishigaki’s acknowledging Midousuji is tetchy about this stuff, then why the hell won’t he just relent and shut up?
He’s probably the opposite to Midousuji in this way too, he considers; keeping things in is unbearable, as opposed to expressing them being unbearable.
“Gross. You don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Midousuji concludes in snappy order, and peeks back at his phone. And that’s by design, so he isn’t irritated about that; even besides his natural strangeness, there’s a reason why no one fully understands him, or makes certain assumptions about him. If it’s not their own organic inability to understand someone as different as he is, it’s because Midousuji has deliberately mislead them with a loathing, shit-headed smile down that path by their hand. “Why else would I be subjecting myself to your company? On purpose?”
Even this is so revealing that Midousuji’s fingers twitch, tempted to hang up again.
“Just because I don’t feel those things the way that you feel them doesn’t mean that I don’t feel them.”
Midousuji smothers his face against his blanket with an irritated shriek, then pulls it over his head, hissing as he hides. His voice is muffled, but he’s shouting, so he’s sure Ishigaki can hear him.
“Gross!! Gross, this is groooosssss!! Uncomfortable! So gross! Talk about something else or I’m gonna hang up on you! Ishigaki-kun!!”
no subject
Although his heart beat hasn't quite come to a lull yet, his fists unclench inside his lap, and he leans back into his seat- now using his pent up energy to tap his feet happily on the legs of his chair instead.
Jeez, is that all it took to make him feel like a school girl?
He only feels a little guilty at how what brings him joy brings Midousuji waves of obvious, uncomfortable confusion. If his kindness didn't out weigh his thoughts, he'd consider spilling his pent up feelings out more often than he already has, or at the least, thank him for admitting what he has tonight.
Still, it was undeniably unnerving, being so sentimental with Midousuji- the last person to want to hear such a personal ramble- but the weight lifted off his shoulders from spilling a tidbit of what he really feels when there's so much more unfound, pent up emotions, is worth it, he supposes. Surely he was bound to pop if he hadn't.
When his ears pick up the sound of a distant, muffled screech, he laughs to himself sheepishly. "Oh? Is that such an awful thing to admit?"
And then that screech abrubtly turns into yelling, and Ishigaki is quick to recognize that his string of ill words only translates to unrecognizable, uneasy feelings. Still, it's enough to make him jolt straight up in his seat, and he hurriedly attempts to comfort him.
"I'm sorry- I'm sorry!" Ishigaki pleads. "I know that was a bit much. S-so please, don't yell..."
His eyes look away from his lap for the first time in a long moment, and he's met with a screen to remind him what he's been straying away from.
"Ah. Right. My paper. You asked about that, didn't you?"
Ishigaki gives himself a short time to looks over the little he's mapped out, then at the clock, and he sighs.
"I told you to keep me from getting side tracked, but you didn't listen," He teases, his voice indicating a mock-up irritation.
"Let's see... it's about buying trends of the current generation. Advertising to a younger audience... those sort of things. About as boring as it sounds."
Ishigaki smiles again- this time softly and at his phone. A smile for Midousuji he can't even see.
"...Is that better?"
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After Ishigaki finally explains, there’s a pause, and Mido’s finger is hooked behind the backs of his teeth, the dark rounds of his eyes aimlessly unfocused. Even through Ishigaki’s response, Midousuji is actually only half listening, mostly distracted by his own thoughts. He’s thinking about Ishigaki’s breathing; about how weird and crazy his frantic heart feels (though it has, indeed, thankfully slowed its cadence somewhat).
“Yes,” Midousuji answers, but it’s not like he finds it interesting, to Ishigaki’s point—anything is better than being candid with emotions. And distantly, though Midousuji knows the answer, he wonders how Ishigaki can even live like that. The answer is that Ishigaki is “normal.”
Well, mostly.
“I can see why you’re seeking distraction,” Midousuji says a bit awkwardly, then decides to finally take his finger out of his mouth (finally remembering that it’s there). “Even though I think what you were reeeeally looking for was a scapegoat.”
Midousuji suddenly grins, the smile a sharp and thin crescent, and he clutches his long fingers across part of it as he holds his chin, muffling a little laugh that warms his face and shakes his shoulders—just a little bit.
“Makes me wonder if I’m the only one who knows Ishigaki-kun is actually naughty…”
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Midousuji's next statement shakes that thought out of him, but it doesn't ease any of his much flared up nerves. He doesn't think anything will tonight as long as Midousuji keeps talking.
"Naughty??" Ishigaki repeats, and he takes note of the quiet type of playfulness he hears in the other's voice. It's new, and he wonders if it's the comfort of Midousuji's own home added onto the late hours of the night bleeding through the conversation.
The thought makes him drowzy. And just for a moment, Ishigaki wonders if he did crawl into bed with an empty mind and his phone against his cheek, that doing so would imitate them being beside each other.
Abrubtly, he shakes his head with lowered eyebrows, giving himself a mental scolding. If he was going to lean in so easily to feelings he didn't understand yet, he could practice hiding it better at the very least, couldn't he? Perhaps next time his thoughts will be more organized... he hopes.
"That's not it," Ishigaki replies, though he's not confident in that excuse. He hasn't even tried to return his fingers to his keyboard yet. "You're just distracting."
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Midousuji looks at his knees, and his eyes fall half closed. An idle, bored finger pokes against a bruise on his patella.
“I wrote the book, you knowwww... Like sees like,” he teases, though his voice is still monotonous. It’s deeper than usual, despite his goofy teasing—likely a symptom of Midousuji being a combination of tired and relaxed. “This is just low stakes psychological warfare.”
If he can’t keep Ishigaki focused on his boring work, he isn’t going to burden himself with the responsibility. It’s a subject Midousuji knows nothing about, anyway.
“After all, what did you expect when you called me? Did you really think I’d be the best person to call to keep you on task?”
Midousuji’s eyes squint even more, just to slivers, and he grins, working into a particularly sore spot on his knee.
“Or maybe you called because…” Midousuji’s eyes widen with realization, and he blinks. “…youuuu… Did you have some kind of gross feeling that I might be the only one who would pick up…?”
Wow, he wishes he didn’t say that out loud. Because Midousuji did pick up!!
“…Gross…” Midousuji’s eyes widen further, and he sticks his legs straight up, shrieking. “Nooo!! No way! Gross!!”
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Ishigaki feels transparent. There's a prickle of panic, one that's sharp and sudden enough to hurt and send goosebumps down his back. Does he know? Is he catching on? But Ishigaki is just as quick to assure himself that no, despite how well trained Midousuji is at giving himself the upper hand, he knows his thoughts- his dream, more so- is safe with him.
Still, Ishigaki focus is shifting- to the way Midousuji's mockery doesn't relax him despite sounding so relaxed himself, to the subtle rise and fall of his voice. This side of Midousuji, despite so in character, is different- domestic, almost. Maybe that's why, moments ago, Ishigaki had such an abrupt, unwanted thought.
Domestic... His bed... How familiar.
In tune to the realization that his cheeks feel unbearly warm, there's a tight, unwelcomed ache in his slacks.
"T-that's not it! I had other options!" Ishigaki blurts, as if being loud makes him any more right.
Is that what he's into? Midousuji treating him like a idiot? He slaps his forehead on his desk, earning a whine, and cups his hands over his groin.
"It's not like I don't have study groups. Or classmates. Or friends. To go to... But. I... Eh... Well."
Ugh. Why did he have to use that word again, anyway? Naughty. He's too afraid to give these thoughts attention right now, so, forced to even his breathing, he continues.
"Fiiiine. Fine. I guess I... did call you on a whim." His words come out slow, but he does manage to get out a full sentence. Uncomfortablly, he shifts his thighs together.
"I was honest from the beginning wasn't I? I mean, I wanted your company. And I got it. Even if you're making this harder than it has to be..."
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Midousuji tilts his head so abruptly and extremely, it looks like he’s just broken it for shits. His eyes snap towards his phone, expression becoming severe as he lifts his eyebrows, deciphering this information as quickly as possible. He sees an opportunity. To keep the upper hand, but also…something.
Ishigaki had other options for a late call, but picked Midousuji—Midousuji, who Ishigaki knows tends to sleep early, isn’t a socially graceful (or social at all) person…
He squints.
“A whim?”
He taps against his teeth, eyes snapping wide open again, this time to his ceiling.
“What, did something about marketing make you think of me?”
He’s being sarcastic, of course. His eyes narrow again, and through his clenched teeth, he lets out a shifty little laugh.
“You haven’t really disputed my theory. My company?” Midousuji’s grin grows. It’s not so incomprehensible (it’s Ishigaki, who’s squishy-hearted and gross), but it’s more fun to tease. “I think maybe out of all the people you know, you knew I’d keep you the least on task.”
Midousuji thinks he’s connected the dots. He hasn’t connected shit.
“Maybe I should hang uuuupp?? If I’m soooo distracting? Making it hard for you?”
Midousuji has the feeling Ishigaki doesn’t actually want that, though he couldn’t imagine it’s because of something like whatever is giving Ishigaki a boner. But he at least is aware that Ishigaki likes Midousuji’s company—and this interaction, this ‘whim,’ confirms that Midousuji is pretty high on his list. Which besides Midousuji’s own boner proclivities does too well to feed his ego, competitive over nothing all the time. He doesn’t know what he’s winning, but. He’s winning.
Midousuji is aware, and always has been, that Ishigaki has always been drawn to him—first resentfully and with the erroneous idea he might be able to wrangle Midousuji and reign him in, then with that disgusting, worse notion of wanting to support him. The sentiment that eventually conquered after all, changing Midousuji, bringing them right where they are.
He can’t quite tell who is under whose thumb—and it’s fun.
Midousuji laughs again, rolling his head side to side.
“Khh-hhh-hh. When’s this stupid paper due anyway, you bad child?”
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But when his eyes flutter closed, and he doesn't think of any arguments against his questioning- let's his mind wander as Midousuji berates him, he spreads his legs- just a little- and his dick aches a bit harder inside of his shorts.
That's it. Midousuji's confidence. It makes him feel... small. It's... hot? Insanely so. How had he not seen this before?
He pushes one of his palm against his dick, only gently, and it's enough for him to hiss a sigh through his teeth that only he can hear.
...
Oh my god. What is he doing?
And as easy as it was to fall into something so selfish, he jumps out of it. His body jolts, and he sits up straight- mortified.
He pulls his hands away from between his thighs- curls them up again his face as if to hide his own shame from himself.
There's a moment where Ishigaki, through only anger towards himself, wants to snap back, to tell him to stop, that maybe hanging up is a good idea. And it is. But instead, as if his emotions are only ruled by his dick, he says nothing for a long moment.
Propping his elbows, he slides his hands up to run fingers through his hair, before resting his forehead in his palms.
"Ugh. Do I really have to say it??" Ishigaki pouts. He knows he's only adding fire to the flame, but he doesn't know how to be anything but honest. And his honesty has been known to flip Midousuji into a screeching, uncomfortable mess. Maybe this is one way to derail his situation downstairs. Or maybe it'll make things worse for him, and he'll like that too.
He sighs.
When he goes on to elaborate, the sentence comes out forced and mumbled.
"I just missed you, okay? So... don't hang up."
Ishigaki's arms fall back onto his desk, where he folds them- resting his cheek into the nook of his elbow. His arm feels pleasantly cool against his face, and he can only guess how red he is right now.
"You're the first... friend I've had that's so far away." That's right. Friend. Ishigaki hasn't had the time to really think of any reality past that. That word calms him down, if only a little. "So. I'm not used to something like this. That's all."
That's all...
"Anyway. My paper. It's due..." Ishigaki shifts his head to eye at the clock in the corner of his screen, then buries himself deeper into sleeves, defeated. Maybe tonight will be another all nighter, and that thought is almost enough to kill all of his body's pent up excitement. "Tomorrow morning."
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Misses him…
At least it’s mutual, but Midousuji doesn’t even look that phrase in its face, though he feels it. He’s privately acknowledged he has feelings for Ishigaki, and that he desires him sexually. But missing him? Calling him his friend? A stone too far!!
For the second time, Midousuji is tempted to hang up. He rolls his eyes up, yanking down his lower lip. “Ew, ew ew ew ew.”
He does consider Ishigaki’s words, and gives a thoughtful snap of his teeth. He almost thinks it’s the first time he’s ever had a friend, but feels weird to consider that Onoda may have been his first friend. What the fuck has he become?! Disgraceful!
Midousuji flops sideways as Ishigaki blessedly takes Midousuji’s fit in stride, then switches subjects off the friendship track (thank god), his eyes wide and vacant, his mind buzzing. He bites his lower lip in a sort of lopsided line, expression otherwise empty.
He then blinks, and tilts his head, looking incredulously at his phone.
“Haaaa?? Tomorrow morning?” Midousuji’s eyes roll as his lips pucker, and he stretches his legs out, toes following suit. “Wooowww, you’re screwed. How far are you? Were you putting it off?? What a delinquent.”
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Yes. That's right. Ishigaki says something gay, Midousuji screams. He's bound to grow used to that eventually, right?
"Yeah." Ishigaki sighs, spits out an awkward laugh and rubs a hand over his forehead. Midousuji's sqauking fizzles out into the distance when he catches himself staring into the eyes of his faint reflection. He's flushed, and the sleepless college nights are starting to show under his eyes. It's ridiculous enough to kill the remainder of his unwelcomed boner, thankfully. "Yeah, I know."
'Maybe if you didn't provoke me to say stupid things, I wouldn't say them...'
Is what he wants to bark back, but he opts not to say anything. It's not an argument he can win. Midousuji isn’t wrong, anyway. Ishigaki is just confused.
His soon-to-be bruises sting, and with the shame he feels for being a giant pervert added on to that makes it feel too well deserved. Ishigaki wants to hide. He debates telling Midousuji that no, he actually should hang up, and then Ishigaki could go take a shower to wake up- wash away the thoughts that just happened, clear his head and start this night from step one. But instead he settles on continuing to milk the free time out of Midousuji.
He's going to have to figure out how to regain his composure before their next visit. But that's a problem for tomorrow's Ishigaki can solve.
"About half way...??" Ishigaki replies, but that statement feels generous. To his next question, he's not sure if he can answer honestly. It's out of character to put something off this bad, but he's had a lot of new, uninvited thoughts this week.
"I don't know. Each year gets harder to handle, I guess? Not everyone has your time management skills." And that's true, at least. It reminds him of how thankful he gradually became when Midousuji took over their team.
"I'm guessing school is going a lot easier for you then, huh?"
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“Ha—… Is that right,” Midousuji breathes, almost sounding neutral. His expression is blank, but his tone has a hint of amusement as he yanks down his eyelid, entertained by Ishigaki so plainly acknowledging his delinquent aspects. Even so, Midousuji understands and recognizes that these terms, it’s barely so; being late on one paper is barely a gangster make. But there’s still a tickling novelty all the same.
When Ishigaki compares their scholastic experiences, Midousuji tilts his head, genuinely knotting his brain around it. His instinct, of course, is to say Ishigaki is wrong—the proceeding pause is Midousuji trying to figure out how to articulate it. He doesn’t notice as his feet cross, toes anxiously prodding the tops of his tendons.
“That’s a dumb thing to say,” Midousuji finally concludes, and his voice is still comfortable and quiet, eyes now rolled off to their upper corners as the hand that was pulling at his eyelid now instead pulls at his lower lip. No other reason than it feels good, for some reason—keeps him feeling level.
“That’s subjective, isn’t it? For you, school is a lot easier than for me—I just don’t happen to care about the ways it’s easier for you in my own personal experience because I don’t experience satisfaction as an individual in it. The same might be true in the reverse; you’re a social person. You need other people. You do well that way. That’s half of university, and half of any job industry.” Even sports, though Midousuji is too remiss to admit that as of yet.
“And anyways,” he continues, “My grades would be better if performing in cycling didn’t take priority over everything else.”
Midousuji feels a smug lick of self satisfaction that Ishigaki feels this way, but it’s not like Midousuji doesn’t do his best to study around his dream of being a professional athlete. If he makes it look effortless, he has nothing to gain from contradicting Ishigaki. But the fact of the matter is that it isn’t without strain.
“Going pro… I’m going to get good grades, and I’ll earn my degree. But it’s a formal farce for my family. I have no interest in that. I’m assuming that…” Midousuji’s eyes fall to the ripples in his sheets, where the fabric scatters in starchy, dented lines due to his own bodyweight. “…you simply have interest where I don’t.”
Midousuji’s only tentatively throwing it out there. He worries Ishigaki will quit cycling, and he’ll be drought of excuses to spend time with his former upperclassman.
“It’s true your time management skills are a bit weak, though,” Midousuji tosses in casually, shrugging his shoulder against his cheek where it’s trapped against his bed and his big, weird body.
“Is this what you want, by the way? Marketing… Duping young people into unneeded products… Why is that?”
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"Well, it's not something I'd normally choose, no..." He laughs quietly, always taken aback at how Midousuji knows him better than he does. The over analyzing would be flattering, if not for it only being a bullying tactic he learned on the road.
"I guess we're in school for the same reason." His words drawl out slow as he attempts to coincide typing and talking. "It's for my family too. Well, my dad. He owns a business. A small one."
Ishigaki pauses to absent mindlessly look past his laptop, taking note of the few awards that decorate his shelf. He remembers how taken aback his dad was from his very sudden, very costly interest, and how just as surprised Ishigaki had been to learn how sour his dad came to be. He can still smoothly picture the way his face wrinkled up when he'd come home late from practicing, and the bantering he'd recieve for leaving the shop early to do the same.
He assumes it was only the jealousy of seeing Ishigaki exercise his independence, but even so his dad certainly didn't have any freedom from doubt that he could go anywhere far. It's not as if his son ever placed anything significant in his interhighs, and his first impression of that couldn't disprove his thoughts. Though, he eventually had no choice but to come to realize that it was a healthy hobby to have- that it built his son character- and that was enough for him. Maybe that's all Ishigaki could ask from him, too.
Ishigaki blinks slowly, his lips parted as he tries to redirect his thoughts. What were they talking about...? Oh, that's right.
"Ah... Anyway. Yeah. It probably is more bearable on my end. The collage experience, socially, academically- it's something I want to see. Even if nothing comes from it, I think I'll be glad with what I did."
It's not a lie, but when he hears himself admit it outloud, he can't help but notice an odd, wavering feeling.
"Well, I'm glad you're here to make my last year a little more bearable." Ishigaki chimes, forces his voice not to sound as sluggish as his body feels. He stretches long and wide- squeaks in the back of his throat when he does so- as if he had earned the right to do anything worth being tired for yet, before he's back hovering over his keyboard. "And who knows? Maybe I'll make everyone happy, and I'll end up managing a bike shop."
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Well.
It’s stupid to chase after something that isn’t yours. In the end, Midousuji is going with cycling once he gets the degree—that’s his end of the bargain. It doesn’t sound like it’s Ishigaki’s. More like an alternative, if he decides not to go pro—if he decides it’s more important to help his father.
Midousuji feels his heart twist in a weird, cold way, some vague, fluttery memory of his mother’s tired eyes and warm, fading smile brushing against the raw nerves of his mind’s periphery.
With irritation, grimly, Midousuji decides he agrees: family is, of course, more important. Depending. It sounds like Ishigaki loves his dad. And maybe Ishigaki’s dad loves him? Probably. Midousuji doesn’t have a lot of experience with what dads are like or how they are or what they do.
But, with a degree, maybe Ishigaki could go pro until his father wanted to retire—after all, compromise is possible even where there’s unconditional love, right? That’s why Midousuji ate food he didn’t like—he didn’t care about being bigger or stronger, but his mother did. He even thought it was a scam, for a while, and did it anyways. It was only the same Summer that Midousuji’s skin gained faint, thin ripples of opalescent lines, like brush strokes, over his knees and the backs of his shoulders, that Midousuji realized she’d been right. Big and strong, but by then, she was long gone. But Midousuji carried on with that compromise the whole way, even if he felt a bit like a shithead for having his suspicions about moms making their children eat nasty food.
After all, Ishigaki’s passion is important too. It always bugged Midousuji, honestly—he just seemed passionate for being passionate. There was no drive—no reason. Just passion. Love of the sport. Pointless.
But now, Midousuji understands, that’s pure in it’s own way, too. A hunger for growth, for chasing, for overcoming. Too bad Ishigaki’s athetlic growth is so slow, even if he seems like he grows fast every other way (the not important ways: like emotionally, in maturity, EQ, etc).
Slow…
Midousuji thoughtfully taps his incisors. If he became a better athlete, would he maybe be more motivated to stay in professional cycling…
Midousuji is clearly not listening to Ishigaki, lost in his own thoughts, but he blinks with a snap to attention when Ishigaki says that dumb little thing that makes his heart hiccup and twist in a totally different way, warm and rippling to the tips of his fingers. Midousuji involuntarily makes a hissing in the back of his throat as he leans his head back, eyes wide with discomfort as his face pinks.
“Gross. You’re making it sound like it’s some duty and not some absolute coincidence.”
What is he, his wife?? Stupid Ishigaki. Wait, what? Fuck. Midousuji slaps his hand over his forehead.
And again when Ishigaki grunts and makes a weird sound in the middle of it. It isn’t cute.
“Ew. You’re the worst person I’ve ever spoken to. I really should hang up.”
Make everyone happy. Why are people like that??? Why would you want to make anyone besides the people you love and trust happy? And even then, that bar shouldn’t be too low.
Managing a bike shop, though…
Midousuji’s too frazzled to comment on it, for now—but decides to put it in the back of his mind for another conversation. It’s not a bad idea.
Not that Midousuji truly gives a shit about Ishigaki’s future, or anything. He’s just selfishly trying to strategize a way to keep himself in it. Because he’s disgusting.
“—Also, why a shop? How would that make your dad happy? Wouldn’t that change the trade of your clan? Unless it was some kind of weird combination bike and woodworking shop…”
Wait, nope, he somehow found a way into this conversation again. Good. “Unless you made stupid little wooden bikes for stupid little idiots. I guess you could make high end bike accessories and overcharge for that. Like decorative bike mounts, or storage solutions that look nicer than industry standard stuff?”
Midousuji again taps his teeth thoughtfully. Luxury is a great scam…
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"But thats not what I'm getting at, you know. It's not about what I sell. It's just, cycling, to my dad is..."
He tilts his head from side to side, trying to find the words. He knows his father only has his future in mind. To run a shop, one he's blessed enough to fall back on and trained well in, even, is about being stable. It isn't an earnest dream to chase after, but it's safe.
He isn't a prodigy, and as much as he wants to make an excuse for his own mediocrity, neither is Midousuji. He's seen the relentless work the other has put in, but there's a certain type of twisted, ardent magic in his insistence to move forward. With him, Ishigaki had seen how a person can claw his way up until his body fell apart, and he catches himself wonding if even if he endured with everything he had, every day of his life, if he could ever come close to that type of drive.
He shifts in his chair, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
"Well, let's just say for me, to go pro would be," he says cheerfully enough, but there’s something in his voice, "directionless."
It's when be hears himself say that, that Ishigaki catches how lost he really is- and how hypocritical it is to say so on top of that. To preach to Midousuji again and again about his future, yet seldom follow it for his own...
Breathing a soft sigh through his, he does begin to type away again- just a bit, with these thoughts still floating around in the back of his head.
"I'll always cycle, but I've just got too caught up in... everything else."
It sounds like an excuse, but he believes it to be true. He's gotten so entangled in his campus life that he's finding a hard time properly expressing himself, even. Maybe it was getting lost in trying to get through each day these past few years, that he was was too busy to think of his feelings at all. Or maybe he was choosing to bury them for convenience's sake.
"Hah, well, that's part of being an adult I guess."
Eyeing over the little he's wrote out, he holds down the backspace bar, unsatisfied.
Since when did he become so half-hearted...?
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Midousuji’s brows furrow pensively and in mild irritation, and he tilts his head, feeling the muscles in his neck strain with the sudden movement. Midousuji shifts, lifting his hips with a lurch of his waist to tug his blankets lose from beneath him, and fidgets until he can pull them over his leg. He gives all that noise its due in pause before he speaks again, bony fingers slowly reeling the hem of his comforter against the edge of his hip where it’s then left to rest. Midousuji’s long fingers then settle their narrow ends in a subtle curl against his waist, eyes narrowing.
“I think you’re making excuses because the ‘everything else’ you’re describing is some kind of confusion. You sound like you don’t know what you want to do… but I wonder how much of that is you, and how much of that is you being too open and thus too easily influenced by the factors around you, and your environment. And your emotions.”
Midousuji’s head swims with a heavy coziness, and he finds his eyes don’t want to stay widely, unnaturally open as they tend to want to be. It’s the warm, tingling edge of sleepiness—yet even still, somehow, Midousuji doesn’t seem to want to concede and hang up.
Hanging up, this entire time, would have been the easiest thing. In fact, it’s still the most logical option!
But, not the most rewarding.
And that’s what Midousuji’s always after, after all.
“Ishigaki-kun,” Midousuji says after another pause, this time more brief. “What do you want out of your life? Without the ‘whys’ of things influencing it, what is it you even want, anyway?”
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What I want...?
Ishigaki tilts his head, letting it hang off the back of his chair as he gives his ceiling a solem look.
He shuffles through memories, ones of school, familiar dreams of what could be floating in his head, and soon, with the help of Midousuji's influence, a thought he had forgotten hits him hard.
And that's of a boney, triangular silhouette suited up in a yellow jersey.
His mouth opens, but his words stick to his throat. Is that what he wants...?
No. He can't say that. Well, he already had said that in a borderline heatstroke of a haze, but... Would it be fair to put onto Midousuji now? Even if it was so, there's too many underlying feelings to sort out that even he, with everything he already has said tonight, can't bring himself to remind the other of words filled with so much... yearning. It's too much. Entirely so.
It's been years now, anyway. It's clear he's had an influence, but he's unsure if those words had even stuck... Right?
Another excuse, perhaps.
Ishigaki clears his throat- let's Midousuji know he's still there- and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Feeling tense around Midousuji isn't news, but this, to feel read as he is vulnerable- if it wasn't so troubling, he'd be honored that Midousuji is giving the chance.
"It's directionless for someone... like me, maybe," he finally says. "I'm different from you. Your drive to move forward... it... isn't like anyone else. You can see that, can't you?"
Arms still folded, he scrapes at his forefinger with his thumb. He's too lost to notice the way it sting this time.
"I gave everything I had in my high school years, and you've accomplished more than I ever had. In your first year, even." He catches how dispiriting his words come out, and he flips his head forward- sitting up straight.
"Ah. You're right. I am making excuses. I'm sorry." His voice raises from its hushed tone beforehand. "But even then, still, with all my mediocrity... I'm not frustrated. Seeing the team I worked so hard to build go as far as it did- seeing you go as far as you did- that feels like it's enough, maybe."
It's true, but even so, a person so unilike him is always there to question that.
"I know that I want to feel those things again. But I wonder if... that really is enough."
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No one is like him in many ways—but his drive is certainly one of them. He has unique propellants, though Midousuji doesn’t see them for what they are—emptiness, tragedy, fear of drowning in the nothing feeling that leaves his body feeling cold and hollow enough to not notice how the sun scorches his skin in the hot Kyoto heat as he pushes himself with the subconscious hope he might break. Midousuji doesn’t let himself look that deeply. Not at himself.
Ishigaki is pulled by love, and not by despair and desperation—and that’s why he’s mediocre, in comparison.
That’s why it’s scary to be experimenting with it; to be warming his cold, steely edges from their inner corners with it.
“I guess… if it brings you satisfaction, maybe that’s enough.”
Not his usual take, certainly not—but Midousuji has been growing, his paradigm slowly shifting, though not totally unaligned from his previous thinking by a far shot.
“That’s all I’m chasing. Maybe you just find it in smaller places.”
—-
The two talk for a bit longer, and Midousuji finds it impossible to keep his eyes fully open. His speech is quiet—his voice is low, and despite its rumbling tonality, it’s soft and slow. Every vowel gets an exhale, like the ones people do when they’re asleep. His hand is curled and blurry, out of focus, in front of his face, blearily unfocused eyes somewhere near his phone.
The conversation does eventually become a bit less esoteric and exploratory, and Ishigaki’s sharing some memory. Something about his childhood, his father—connected to some previous point they were on, but Midousuji’s brain swims so heavily with the warm weight of coming sleep that he can’t even recall what. His eyes slide closed, Ishigaki’s voice filling his head. It is almost like he’s some kind of real-space proximate, in a way. It reminds Midousuji of when he’d fall asleep around his family as a child, hearing them chatter amongst themselves while he faded into a comfortable, wallflower warmth. Especially when he’d been non-verbal; it was easy to excuse himself to save himself the anxiety of feeling he had to participate, but to experience the people around him he felt connected to.
Back when his mom was alive, anyway.
Midousuji’s fingers twitch as he remembers his mother’s laugh, bright like a bell, before she’d become sick. The memory mixes with the feelings incurred by Ishigaki’s voice, curling something warm in his chest and belly, drawing some incoherent mumble from Midousuji. He’s unable to open his eyes any longer, and finds himself uncaring. Shamelessly, he just allows himself to doze off in the middle of Ishigaki’s memory—one similar to Midousuji’s, actually.
1 / 2
It's so unfamiliar to what he knows of Midousuji to even suggest, that he lets some silence lapse between them; the simplicity of it causing his string of nagging thoughts to come to a smooth stop.
Ishigaki smiles- chuckles at the way Midousuji's voice struggles to give into sleep.
Is Midousuji- unconsciously- with the way he's allowing his night to be spent up on something so useless as a phone call, learning to find victory in those smaller places, too? Ishigaki wonders- selfishly, he admits- if he's played a part in that very subtle shift, and maybe, if that's even so, that they balance each other out in that way.
The night continues on with useless drabbles from Ishigaki, keeping on the topic of family as he fills in the silence so Midousuji doesn’t have to. How he was an only child, but the company of his cousins kept him from feeling that way. And his parents, too- though much of it was him continuing on the bad habit of talking about his father, maybe to keep his good name, despite everything. How his father raised him single and never married again, and how he never showed any interest in other women, but it wasn’t an act of misguided nobility. He was so fully occupied by raising a son- the one he managed to raise to be so humble, unlike himself- that there simply wasn’t any space in his romantic life.
Midousuji didn’t talk about his family, or much at all, in response. But Ishigaki knows that if the other disliked the rambles of a lovelorn man, with the same distaste as he did with almost everything else there is, that he would have been met with a hang up tone. With his honesty, as always, there to reassure him time and time again, Ishigaki continues on and off between his studies. Less so to give the other his autobiography and more so, plainly, that Midousuji’s struggle to stay awake, with his weak mumbles that eventually turn into nothing but heavy breaths and faint snoring, were entirely too precious.
And so, what follows after is filled with hazy, internal questions between the sound of his typing growing more and more laggard. It’s late- or rather, early, with the coming of the sun peeking through his blinds- by the time his work is done. By now Ishigaki has hung up the phone to save the peace of Midousuji’s own phone battery, and not being met with the sound of dead air feels entirely too silent.
He submits his assignment- watching the loading symbol with eagerness until it turns into a checkmark, before he shuts his laptop carelessly and slumps his upper half entirely over his desk.
Focus drifting, there’s not much more energy he can spend seeing as the bed on just the opposite end of his room is too distant for the effort. But still, within his body desperate to give in, eyes fluttering shut and mouth agape with long, heavy breaths, he manages to regurgitate the night’s thoughts now that there’s not anything seemingly more important to focus on.
...Love, is that it? Well, yes, that much is obvious now- with how caught up he had gotten in something as plain as a phone call. But what can he do from here? Surely and slowly, like sea glass- with the way they've been able to smooth out the rough edges between themselves, all of this has been rewarding enough as it is, hasn’t it?
And it has- too much, even- but somehow entirely not enough all the same.
Ishigaki can't answer the questions that drift into his dozy head. But he likes what is happening, and he likes what they do have, and maybe that's all he can handle answering right now. Everything else is are all rhetorical questions, anyway. Ishigaki doesn’t need a response. He wouldn’t even know what to say back.
What he can say, is when he drifts off to sleep, cheek pressed against the cool wood of his desk, that the fear to halt the moment he harbored doubt felt a little less heavy.
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Ishigaki sits at a stretched-out dinner table he doesn’t recognize, but somehow, with the way the summer night’s thick breeze brings in the sweet scent of cornfields through the open screen door besides them, the room reeks of nostalgia. The faces that fill the table, too, are relatives of those he can’t quite recall- perhaps the situation plainly much too jarring as it is overstimulating, with the endless sounds of roaring drunk uncles and utensils clicking and scratching against glass bowls, to think straightly.
His eyes dart face to face, hurriedly trying to find an opening to a conversation out of pressured politeness he put on himself- but it’s when he looks forward, at the very end of the vast table stretched in front of him, that his rapid thoughts coalesce into a single, smooth train.
On the opposite side, so far and so dimly lit compared to the side he himself sits at that the other might as well be in a different room entirely, seats a figure. Long and gaunt.
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Although he’s quick to turn his attention back to where it once was, the boy at the end of the table isn’t to be seen.
( I just realized I forgot to shift into the new scene so here's a bullshit sentence ok? OK??? )
Unknowing when it was he dismissed himself from dinner, the scenery has shifted onward, as dreams often do.
He finds himself in a room of the same home- filled with cousins, he assumes, but they’re as small as he remembers them ever being, unlike the way he towers over them now. The site is familiar, seeming to recall the act of dismissing himself alongside the kids his age while the adults continue on with their boisterous family gossip. But now, like the table beforehand, there's a disconnect leaving him not knowing what to say.
He’s careful to tip toe over them, despite the senseless growing numbers, as to not have any toddling over and causing a scene. A few grab at his leg, pleading, but his thighs are stronger than they are heavy. Despite the bubbling stress and his willingness to knock them away, he pets reassuringly at the soft, fair hairs of their heads.
Ahead of him is a hallway, where he had hoped to escape for a moments peace, though he finds it just as crowded. But amongst them, with a triangular frame outstanding the height of those around him, he sees wisps of dusky hair.
He scrambles to gently kick off the kids that weigh at his legs, with the added challenge of squeezing past a new hoard of bodies. He doesn't trail off too far, as he appears resentfully stuck between the unwelcomed bosoms of aunts and the scruffy beards of uncles- so much so that his cheek is pressed up tight against them enough his eye is forced shut.
With the little he can see- he does get another faint glimpse of Midousuji- and he's- jeez- is he laughing?
Motivated with nothing but that silhouette and pure frustration, he does weasel his way further- arm stretched out far ahead of him, unsure what he’s trying to reach. The tip of his fingers touch at cold wood- and with a few panicked taps he finds himself tugging open a paper screen door, tumbling forward.
His nose slams painfully into the floor, but he’s quick to pull himself up at the sound of footsteps rushing foward. He slides the screen, having to swing it left and right with a humiliating amount of primal desperation- an inkling of realization that these people are no one in particilar- slamming against the limbs and fingers until they give up the hope of reaching out to him.
The screen slams for a final time, and he's abruptly met with the wonderfully hushed silence he craved so much for.
The room is relatively empty, but resembles the sheltered comfort of his own bedroom in his waking life. It's enough comfort for him to slack against the screen door with rested eyes.
He thinks of Midousuji, and shifts between questions. Where he is, if it's worth venturing to find out, and why on earth was he so hurriedly searching for him... and it's within those questions that he feels subtle vibrations underneath his feet.
He looks down, counting the tatami mats around him- but they're shifting. There were twelve when he came in, surely, but then that twelve turns into ten, then ten into eight...
The floor continues to shift underneath him, the ceiling lowers, and his feet scramble to find balance- but to no avail. There's a wall to catch him, and he slides down, uselessly kicking away at the other ones that close in on him.
He curls up into himself as tight as he can bear, breath held and eyelids clenched. And for a drawn out, dreadful moment, he waits for his sure to be impending death, but much to his surprise, it doesn't seem to come.
Tentatively, he peaks between his thumb and forefinger, before slowly removing his hands from his face altogether. What was once a room is now a pale cushion of abstract softness. He finds himself with enough room to uncurl his limbs; sprawling out to rest on top of it all. When he waves his hand across the surface, it has a tough elastic texture- rubbery, like skin- despite being able to sink kindly into it.
Ishigaki stares at the ceiling, blinking, and the ceiling, with a dark and deep stare, blinks back.
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“Ishigaki-kun,” rings Midousuji’s voice, distant but clear, slow and deliberate. A pair of eyes open beside Ishigaki, as if a figure beside him may be peering, leaning over just slightly, off-kiltered in such a way that may insinuate a head tilt. The white, bright pair of eyes blink again, and reopen near Ishigaki again, at his other side, and Midousuji’s voice returns—somewhere else, less distant. Everywhere, but nowhere particular.
“Are you trying to find me? Still?”
The floor shifts, growing around Ishigaki’s arms like warm, thick cords, firm, but somehow malleable. Around Ishigaki’s ankle as well, and perhaps startlingly, the floor (?) shifts again, this time up and high, enough to nearly dangle the coveted, escaped guest, certainly lifting his pelvis. The eyes appear near the floor now, still watching—and another pair of the same eyes open somewhere to give the impression someone is looking down at Ishigaki where his leg dangles.
That pair of eyes in particular squints, which makes the pair near the floor peer up curiously. Ishigaki, like the pair of eyes, is mystifyingly well lit, though the rest of the surroundings—the “people”—are pitch black.
“No one here cares about what you want,” his voice echoes again, more of a hushed, everywhere whisper, strangely overlayed on itself. “Nor do they know what you want.” The squinting pair of eyes tilts, and a wicked smile suddenly appears below them.
“But I~ do.”
There’s a winding pressure, now, across Ishigaki’s thigh, pressing around his groin—something shifting, searching, up his shirt, skirting up along his hip. Something else is pulling Ishigaki’s shirt from its shoulder, and a pair of too-long, black fingers roll from the black mass there, extending to carefully unbutton. A hand can be felt, not present before, though still unseen, flattening as it smooths up his torso.
“Me, right?”
And from somewhere else, or many somewhere else’s, Midousuji’s voice comes again in unison. “Ishigaki-kun… So hard working, so desperate, and for what? You’re so pathetic.”
The room rings with a merry, mean laugh, and a smile like the one that looks down on Ishigaki appears near his neck, eyeless.
“But it’s a little erotic, you know? So, because even I can be kind, sometimes—I’ll give it to you. How do you like that? You found me, but that’s not all you want.”
Behind Midousuji’s words, the room echoes with a rolling, quiet “grosssss,” hissing in descending volume until it’s back with silence.
A warm bend of the mass presses against Ishigaki’s crotch, and strangely, kind of melds to it; it’s almost like a warm, super pliant foam, but feels almost more like flesh, but like nothing at all. Nothing familiar.
“You’d never admit it, but you wish for a reward, don’t you? That’s only natural for a human. You’re the type of human who wishes be consumed, right?”
The mouth appearing beside him, still grinning, suddenly has a pair of eyes open up above it, looking unnervingly straight at Ishigaki. The hand up his shirt rolls what feels like a thumb across his nipple, and the eyes squint, still grinning deviously. Ishigaki’s shirt, what rest of it remains unbuttoned, is torn by the mass rolling under his shirt. A tongue, all black like the rest of everything, rolls across Ishigaki’s neck; the mass kneads at his dick, and another one pulls the elastic down after impatiently fussing Ishigaki’s jeans open. The room lets go of Ishigaki, seeming to be satisfied with dangling him like a toy for now, and the mass wraps tight on Ishigaki’s cock. Like the tongue, it isn’t quite wet, but it’s less dry than the parts of the masses that seem to be mostly concerned with simply moving Ishigaki about.
“Not by them,” the voice echoes, and all the eyes dart to where the closing of the door was, and then all back to Ishigaki, each black pupil framed by wide white. “By me.”
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And it does call out, taunting but not unwelcome, with a playfulness he hasn't quite picked up on. It's familiar- a reminder that it's coming from someone dear to him- and that's enough to keep his racing heart from turning into a full blown panic attack.
Ishigaki's thoughts halt, unable to answer the question he’s asked. He only gives scattered, clueless blinks into the void in front of him. He's not entirely why he searched for him, and so desperately... He just felt maybe Midousuji had an answer to a question he wasn’t even asking. The thought distracts him, so much that he almost forgets the situation he's in.
But Midousuji doesn’t wait for a response. Instead, the floor shifts, higher this time, continuing to skew all of Ishigaki’s mental calculations. A pool of thick, warm mass soundlessly sneaks from below, twining him, and he doesn’t have the time to decide if the fluttering warmth coming off of it is more unsettling than not.
"Hey! W-wait-!!"
Panic switches off his higher brain function, his actions uselessly erratic- tugging away hard enough he's only straining himself, with his one free limb kicking in the air at nothingness.
The shifting, overstimulating visuals and an echoing question added to top it benefits him from straining his body any further- though the doubt in anything normal happening tonight is still there to keep him on guard, with tight breaths and skin starting to damp with sweat.
Another needlessly cruel grin sneaks below, and his fussing comes to a full stop to recoil the little he can away- a constant game of fear and charge, it seems.
"You... do?" Doe eyed, he stares like those words were a complex puzzle to solve.
Again, Midousuji isn't kind enough to be patient.
There's a slither that's too close for comfort, one so unexpected that his breath stays stuck in his throat- the only sound leaving him a strained hiccup. And just as abruptly as all the unwarranted occurrences given to him, he's tossed in a pattern of uncertain touches sting his skin.
Ishigaki does protest, though his squirming doesn’t get him very far. The only thing he can do is stare with wide eyed frisson, his brain nothing but a single line of static staring at his now exposing chest.
It happens too fast to pick up what Midousuji is patently putting down. So when Midousji is kind enough, this time, to suggest an answer to him like it's a statement of fact rather than a question, it sweeps aside any ignorance that had been Ishigaki's only defense from his own want. The air leaves his lungs entirely.
Him? That’s what he wants??
The room continues on to mock him, but Ishigaki’s thoughts are louder than what he’s hearing. He only shakes his head in protest, unable to form a coherent sentence.
“That’s- no- I…!” He turns his chin towards the smile that forms beside him. It’s not shocking perse, not at this point, but the sight is still enough to stop his babbling.
And then, those words…
E-rotic?
Ishigaki sucks in a quick breath through his nose.
Oh.
Oh…
That’s…
That’s what this is.
And at that, suddenly his situation made a little more sense.
The room erupts into an echo of noise, but being ridiculed- being exposed like this, as desperate as he is even now to break away- isn’t wholly unwelcomed underneath, with a trickle of wonder and wait tugging at him. Not that there’s much time for those underlying feelings to be noticed. If there ever was enough for someone as dense as him.
Something rolls underneath his shirt to slide over his nipple, and- oh- men like that too, apparently- a thought that's never occurred before now, and he lets out a noise he didn't know he was capable of making. He wants to cover his face, to clasp his hands over mouth, or bury his head into something, anything, but he's unable to stifle any noises spilling out of him. Not when his shirt is being torn, tattered and undone, much like himself.
The pace is too quick to sink into each touch that comes his way. It’s frustrating, and entirely too overstimulating. There's a stinging in his throat in time to the corner of his eyes swelling wet- from fear, or maybe his body's desperate attempt to release those excess emotions he's been so talented at bottling away- he's unsure, but it doesn’t feel entirely awful giving into whatever emotions come his way.
It… feels much needed, actually.
And the warm mass pressing against his crotch to meld around him is a reminder of that. Ishigaki’s head rolls back, finally, in defeat, singing out a cracked sigh. He lets the rest happen, his muscles finally relaxing and allowing the room to hold him in place.
Until it doesn’t, and he’s left dangling with the audacity to be offended that Midousuji would be anything but easy on him.
The way his dick throbs in his tight, relentless grip serves a well enough apology, though. He doesn't know when he had gotten hard exactly, but he feels a drip of precum fall down the side before the mass hides it all within itself. His head flops forward with a haggard and heavy weight- teeth clenched to muffle his whining.
There's a lapse of silence and immobility in his favor, allowing him the clarity to finally speak up.
"Hah..." His chest heaves as he slowly blinks his eyes open- face warped into a pitiful pout.
"It's... been that obvious, hasn't it?"
With his chin dipped into his chest, a lidded gaze focuses on one of many faces around him. There's an odd murmur in his chest, and his mouth opens, then closes, and again, in somewhat of a pattern- as careful with his words as ever.
"...Yes," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. "I do."
His expression is pained, as that is what it is, painful, to admit. Painful that his want outweighs much else at this point.
He raises his hips, starting a little rhythm of rutting into the tight mass and nods, as if confirming his answer to himself- finalizing it.
Yes, always, he had everyone's best interest but himself in mind. It's true his family was the focal point, but Midousuji, too, (obviously) was an underlying problem within withholding even his own thoughts from himself. Because how awful, how filthy, to be using an already rewarding relationship for his own perverted gain. To want something entirely for himself. To be anything but unfaltering.
But it’s pointless to go back, and a sound of frustration bubbles in the back of his throat. He shakes his hips inside the other's grasp foolishly- harder, in slow strokes- as if the pace before had gone unnoticed.
"I've been good, haven't I? I always tried to take care of you. Never was my support not unconditional. I never stopped thinking about you. You know that, don't you?" His words come out quick and as shattered as he is.
He didn't need validation. That much was obvious, with the way the polarity between themselves balanced out. But now, with words pouring out faster than he can think to stop them, he sounds desperate enough for one to think otherwise.
"So- please-" his voice croaks within his hushed tone, unable to recall if he's ever had to beg for anything in his life.
"Take care of me too..."
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Then, all sets squint, a few thin, smug smiles cutting in the darkness between the little mischievous, peering crescents—and this is to how Ishigaki caves to his base, animal-most instincts, shamelessly letting himself fall to his desire to follow his blood by fucking into the taught mass. It twists, tightening further around Ishigaki’s cock, strange, soft and bulbous burrs emerging among the surface against Ishigaki’s erection as he brainlessly rocks his hips into the vice.
“Yesss,” many of Midousuji’s voices hiss, and half less all laugh over bitten, not-lips, muffled and naughty. The ‘face’ closest to Ishigaki’s comes close enough to bump against Ishigaki’s jaw and cheek, almost nuzzling—but there’s no warmth, there, and the texture is soft, but not quite like skin. Not quite like anything. A hand elegantly drums its long, thin fingers, lightless black stark on Ishigaki’s flesh as the web of the thumb and forefinger creeps over Ishigaki’s adam’s apple.
A wet, almost-right feeling tongue, all black and slick more like a membrane than like a saliva covered appendage, curls around the back of Ishigaki’s ear, against the shell. Another hand—or more accurately, a greedy pair of them, pull Ishigaki’s knee from its inner pit, lifting, and another set presses below and up Ishigaki’s ribs.
“Grossss. You are a good boy, Ishigaki-kun,” the voices echo with sadistic, faux-gentle glee. “Good, gooood, grrooosssss boy.”
The expressions fall flat, though, while the hands remain as they are; the eyes are open wide again, and the set of eyes nearest to Ishigaki tilt off center.
“—Take…care…” The eyes blink. “I don’t know how to take care of humans,” that set answers, and his eyes flit down to where he undulates and coils around Ishigaki’s thrusting hips. “But…”
The dark eyes flit back up to Ishigaki’s, and his hand, cold and stiff and unnatural, fingers bunched together, rest awkwardly against Ishigaki’s cheek. “…I know how to please them. Their design is simple enough.”
Dark tendrils, and an errant hand or two, make work of pulling Ishigaki’s pants, then boxers, down his sturdy thighs. Palms caress over his quads as the fabric departs, and one of the pairs of eyes reappear with a comical focus over Ishigaki’s freely sprung, glossy cock, desperately and pitifully hard. The eyes widen, sets of teeth parting in the center to give way to more pitch black void, a tongue descending to coil around Ishigaki’s cock—and the head descends, eyes rolling up to watch Ishigaki’s face as what feels like a set of lips hilt against his coarse pubic hair. The tongue winds around the base of Ishigaki’s balls, and the set of eyes by Ishigaki’s face remain watching him, before that hand gently comes to grasp Ishigaki’s face by either of his cheeks.
“Empty your head for once, Ishigaki-kun,” he instructs plainly; objectively. Another set of tongue and teeth rake Ishigaki’s ribs, stroking with soothing, false tongue thereafter, giving his nipple the same treatment. What feels like a wiry, long leg clings around Ishigaki’s side. “Close your eyes, if it helps. It’s not like you can see me, anyways.” Midousuji’s eyes narrow, and his lips brush Ishigaki’s jaw, voice hushed, venomously low but somehow intimate and private. “Even though it’s gross, and rude, and so arrogant… you always get very close, though… Did you know that?
“And that’s not all…” Midousuji strokes his hand from down Ishigaki’s neck to across his collars, caressing the upper swells of his pecks. “Would you believe me, if I told you that you’re my favorite? Did you know that? How’s that for a reward?”
During his distracting chattering, once Ishigaki’s eyes are closed, and it’s all well and truly black, the vice around Ishigaki changes—the texture is similar to the first, when Midousuji had altered the strange, indescribable grip for pleasure. But less interesting—unmoving on its own, though it strokes. Slowly, and the echoing sounds of Midousuji’s chuckles and overlapping chatter dissipates like a memory, or a vapor.
When Ishigaki opens his eyes again, Midousuji is looming over him—the very same he’d been looking for, bare-fleshed like Ishigaki, impaled in a straddle over Ishigaki’s lap, palms bracing on either side of Ishigaki’s neck. His pale skin is now alit bright, the pitchy void replaced with a glowy oblivion.
“Say…” Midousuji starts. The way he moves, riding Ishigaki’s cock slowly, stills, almost high enough for Ishigaki’s cock to slip out, and his gaze, intense, but not empty, bores downward into Ishigaki’s eyes.
“Is it true, Ishigaki-kun?” Midousuji tilts his head, and he grabs Ishigaki’s face-a familiar, hostile gesture, but his fingers carry a subtle tremble. So does his voice, just as barely, his exhales giving away that hint. There’s something tense in his eyes; something strange. Maybe some kind of concern.
Maybe fear.
“Do you love me?”
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midousuji’s really agro and indirect way of going what did i do to deserve u (if u arent gay)
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1/2
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ant tag for ants
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